Wow. I really need to write. I am such a cluster fuck of emotions right now.
So, before i start rambling, i may need to explain as to WHO i will be talking about; so here goes. Stan, of course, is my boyfriend of 1 year (as of December 25/26, actually which I'm extremely happy about. :D) Jose, long story short, was my best friend in high school who ended up turning into a friends with benefits kind of thing. I ended up falling for him way more than i was supposed to, and we just ended up hurting eachother as much as we possibly could for 4 years until he fucked my best friend and that was the end of that. Before that, tho, nothing, or no one could pry me away from him. No other guy who came into my life, not how much pain was involved in the whole thing, nothing. I was ridiculously, and hopelessly, attached.
..until I met Mike. My once upon a time. My would have been fairy tale romance that i single handedly destroyed. How? Take one guess. Junior year, Ale introduced us. At first, he was just another friend. Just another guy I met. But he was beautiful. Just looking at him gave me butterflies. Of course, I paid no attention to him cause I was so head over heels for Jose. But something happened to me one night when i bumped into him (on a date with Jose, mind you.) outside of school and out of our ridiculous uniforms. He was unusually happy to see me so of course he came up to me, gave me a hug, and somehow managed to tear away pieces of my heart and stored them away for later use. Saying he took my breath away is an understatement. I kept bumping into him at school after that; going to class, in lunch, dance practice, etc, until all of a sudden, he was everywhere i was. Sure enough, eventually Ale mentioned that he was interested in me. So one thing led to another and we started talking. Then talking some more. He would show up at my house randomly after school since i lived right across the street, and we would sit in the porch swing in my backyard and talk for hours. We got to know eachother pretty well before he finally asked me out, and it was to a family event at Strike in South Beach. The place was gorgeous. I met most of his family. We sat in a little high top in the back behind everyone else to eat. Talked the entire time, that we didn't even have a chance to bowl. How two people always had so much to talk about was beyond me, but it was more than i shared with ANYONE, ever. That night was my first real "first date," and i was hooked. I had gone out with guys before obviously, but even if we hit it off well, it was always so casual. Never anything like that night. After that he'd still show up at my house unannounced, just to see me. He'd walk me to school every morning so I didn't have to walk alone. One night he even walked just about 2 hours to my house because neither one of us had a car to use. He was THAT guy.
By this time I had broken things off with Jose. Mike was very clear about how he was, and I knew him still being around would be a problem, so i cut it off. It was hard. leaving Jose at that particular time was soo difficult cause things weren't all bad. But in every possible way that my "relationship" with Jose was lacking, every single aspect of me and Mike was that much more promising. I was happy for the first time in a long time, and all because of this one guy, who I hadn't even shared a first kiss with yet. I couldn't explain it. I was mesmerized. He had me. We kissed finally, on the bleachers at the baseball park a few blocks away from my house. We weren't exactly "official" yet, but it was pretty clear that we wanted to be with eachother. Everyone asked about him, everyone always said how cute we were. My favorite comments were "You're dating Mike?!...DIAZ?!" He even gave me his forbidden sweater to wear that i absolutely loved.
And then, sometime in the few weeks following, i started missing Jose. -_- We started talking again, he was gradually creeping back into my life. Next thing i know, Mike's gone. I fucked up, and I didn't realize it until a week before his graduation. I tried to salvage everything with a stupid letter. No use, never heard from him again. Served me right, I suppose. So i stayed involved with Jose for a while after that. My senior year came, I met Stan. I liked him a lot at the time. He wasn't my boyfriend, but he asked me to Prom, then broke it off a week before because I was moving away in the summer and he didn't want to get attached. So my mind went to Mike. I had talked to him a few times by this point, and ended up mentioning prom and Stan and he told me how he would just show up and be my date, but he was leaving that same day to the Coast Guard, which i already knew, so it wasn't that big of a disappointment. So w-e. I did what every girl would do, and decided to make myself look 10x better than i originally planned to for prom to make Stan squirm. I left with friends to the hotel after, and lo` and behold, I get a call from Mike. Turned out his boarding was delayed another week, and he was driving downtown so he could be with me after prom. ...WHAT? I was SO happy! The first few minutes we were together that night I will never forget. I went into the huge, beautiful, super amazing bathroom of our suite to undress, take down my hair, and fix my makeup. Mike follows me inside and just stands next to me. Staring at me through the mirror while i wet my hair and started helping me take out all the bobby pins i had in there. He wouldn't take his eyes off me. He didn't touch me, he didn't say a word, just stared, and when i finally looked back, he smiled. When i was done with that, he would get closer, occassionally touching my arm, my cheek, holding my waist. It was the cutest thing. We didn't leave that bathroom for what seemed like an hour. But we didn't do anything more than the touching and staring and teasing. After i changed out of my dress, we left and partied the whole night. Came back to the hotel, got dibs on the biggest bed. Everyone else went to sleep, and we stayed up, of course. Talking at first, then as if it was the most natural thing for us in the world, we had sex until it wasn't nighttime anymore. I fell asleep on his chest, and woke up to him reaching across the bed to get something from the nightstand. I didn't let him know I was awake, and opened my eyes a little to find him just lying there, doing his infamous staring again. We got up, and he had to leave. A few days later he left to the Coast Guard. I went to say goodbye the night before and it didnt seem real. I never planned on saying goodbye, so i wasn't there for long. I left, and didn't see him for the next 2 years.
He's stationed in California right now. I talked to him a few times here and there after he left, but it wasn't until recently, about a few weeks ago, that we got in touch and actually made it a point to stay that way. We were on the phone for the first time in years catching up and talking about the past. He said he wanted to come clean and started talking to me about everything; the past, how he felt about us and me and everything that happened. He wanted to clear the bad blood between us, and it helped, for the most part. I told him how i felt and everything on my end. He eventually confessed that I was his first. As in, I took his virginity. Which to me, is still pretty hard to believe, but after talking to Ale last night, it does make a lot of sense. So who knows, maybe i actually did? Everything he was telling me was news to me, cause altho i liked to think he felt so strongly about me back then, i never actually KNEW wether or not he did, and that always left me with everything being up in the air. Meanwhile, he starts telling me he misses me a lot, he can't wait to see me again, etc, etc. Well, shortly after that I found out he started dating Katrina. (at some point while he was in Cali.) and a few days after our talk they officially got together. So this bugged me. Not in a jelaous way. More like, a wtf is he doing telling me all this shit but talking to her--way. So she found out about it, not how i intended her to. It was blown out of proportion, and she broke up with him. Fine.
Now he's back home for the week. He came to see me and Ale last night and i nearly hyperventilated. Of course, not without feeling guilty because of Stan. Me and Stan are together now, obviously, and Mike isn't exactly his favorite person. I dont blame him, at all, I really don't, but he keeps going back to the whole prom thing and it keeps upsetting me because I was dumped. He left me a week before prom and expected me to sulk the entire night? But like i said, he has every right to feel the way he does cause i would feel the exact same way. Doesn't change the fact that Mike still does something huge to me whenever i'm in front of him that, apparently, i haven't figured out how to shake. After 2 years. Mind you, I didn't realize this UNTIL he was sitting in front of me last night. He called Ale sometime during the night later and one of the things he asked was what i said about him, and its like .. Why, WHY do you still care? Sigh.. i can't stop thinking about him. I couldn't stop talking to Ale about him last night. lol. Those butterflies..? Yeah, they haven't gone anywhere. I'm still so dumbfoundedly mesmerized and i see no sense in that. He left. He moved away. WHAT THE HELL.
Now, on top of all that, it doesn't change how I feel about Stan at all. I love Stan with every core of my being. So why is it still possible to feel the way I do about someone else? He's mad at me. For even being anywhere near Mike, and I don't blame him. But what was i supposed to do? I can't see him for the remainder of the time that he's here> Not because Stan says so but because I say so. So what happens to how i feel? Where do these feelings go..? Tucked away in the back of my mind again until someone decides they should come out again? During the most inopportune, worst moment possible, no doubt. I have replayed in my head over and over what could possibly come out of all this, and it's come down to; I will never cheat on Stan. Even if i were to go on some sort of break until w-e this is subsides, there's no point, i'm not looking to pursue a relationship with Mike, and NONE of that is worth losing Stan over. None of it.
But, this feeling isn't going away.
And I still long to see him.
So then what...?